Author: Jonathon

We have a title for the new Anita book: SKIN TRADE. So, officially, I did seven pages on SKIN TRADE today. Cool.

Six pages on new book. Spider in Trinity’s room. Had to go chase down and drag out her clothing drawer, searching for the beast. Since I got bitten by the Brown Recluse last year finding a spider is more exciting than it used to be, and not in a good way. But the exterminator was here today and didn’t find any in any of the traps. Very good news.

Pilate’s class just finished. E-mails answered. An internet interview started, but not finished. Comics worked on. More to do tomorrow. Phone calls to friends. Blog almost finished. Now I go to bed.

You know those cartoons where someone puts too much soap in a washing machine or dish washer, then the entire room is flooded with bubbles? Well, my new bubble bath was a little more powerful than I expected. It was fluffy, then I turned on the jets, and suddenly fluffy didn’t cover it. When I turned the jets off, as I was laughing myself silly, the foam was about six inches above the tub edge. A trembling, quivering, almost sparkling mound of bubbles, floating magically, but not quite over flowing. It made me laugh, which I needed. But it was also Gloomaway bubble bath from Origins. Jon and I are big fans of the Gloomaway line of products. It’s grapefruit scented, but there are other things in it, and we’ve found that the scent of it, just buoys the spirts. I needed buoying up yesterday. But let this be a warning, less is more, especially if you’re going to try and turn on the whirlpool. It was like stirring some kind of icing, the more you stirred the lighter and fluffier it got. So many suds, that I actually had trouble getting enough clear water to clean up, but the feel of the foam was soft and pleasant, and didn’t leave that filmy feeling on my skin. No, I felt clean and renewed, and smelled yummy, too. What more can you ask from a bubble bath?

Our friend Richard came over and we all went out to see the new movie Igor. It’s about the only kids movie out there right now, and it was a Trinity weekend. The movie was fun, we all enjoyed it, but . . . I don’t know. Some vaguely unsatisfied feeling about it. But by the middle of the movie we were all cheering for our hero and his friends, and a world where evil scientists are the rock stars of their country, and being evil is a virtue, was a fun premise. There’s brain washing, like car washing; there’s a suicidal but immortal rabbit (Steve Buscemi is wonderful as Scampers), the reanimation of body parts into Frankensteinian monsters hasn’t been this much fun since YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN,, plus it’s a romance. But, haven’t written that, it’s not in the same caliber as Mel Brooks. It’s a kid’s movie, and it’s message is simpler. Evil is not all it’s cracked up to be, a person can be anything they want to be if they are good and try hard enough, and that heroes come in all shapes and sizes, and love may really be able to conquer all. Not a bad message for any movie. There are a lot of famous voices in this film, see if you can spot them. Reading the credits is cheating. I will say that John Cusack does a good job as our main Igor. You can be a fantastic actor, but that doesn’t mean you do good voice work; he does.

Jon’s pain meds wore off by the end of the movie, though. He’d had such a good day he left his cane at home. Well, I was his cane to the car. We got him home and poured him onto the couch. Got something on his stomach, and his pain meds into him. He’s gone from dreading the knee operation to sort of looking forward to it. Not the operation itself, but the results. Operation; six weeks of crutches; physical therapy, then no more pain and a functional knee. We’re both really looking forward to that. An operation, like so many things in life, isn’t about how much fun the process is, but the results. In some things you’re supposed to savor every step and enjoy it all, or the goal is not worth the journey, but other things, like this, it’s about keeping your eye on the ball and knowing that all the pain and all the frustration will lead to victory. Shoot for that, and remember that every moment of pain is another step closer to being healed.

Does Angelina Jolie plunge her own toliet? At three A. M. if the toliet misbehaves does she grab a plunger, or does she have a button to push that wakens some employee at any time day or night to do all those little domestic chores? I was comptemplanting this at dawn when I had no button to push, or help to summon.
Even if I had staff that slept in the house over night, would I really call them into our private rooms at dawn to plunge a toliet? I think not. I think I’d be embarrassed to be that helpless, or that uncaring of the other person’s sleep. Maybe it comes from being raised below the poverty level, but I just don’t think I could push that magic button, even if I had one.
Once upon a time I had two extra staff members. They did errands, and personal shopped for me. Errands, including dry cleaning, groceries, office supplies, that sort of thing. It helped a great deal, at first. Then, gradually I realized that I was a good boss, but a bad manager. I’m a writer, which means at heart I’m solitary and never, in my wildest dreams, thought I’d have a staff to manage. It’s not my style. But suddenly the level of work needed more support staff than Jon and I could manage just us. So we added, and it worked, for awhile. It worked for over a year, then finally I had to admit that the extra staff was causing me extra work. They kept wanting me to decide things. For groceries I needed to know what we were having for dinner, and breakfast. (Jon cooks, but I make out the menus. It’s our division of labor.) The question always seemed to come just as the writing was going well, or they’d waited all day and I had worked all day, and I wasn’t able to tell him, or her, what to buy. So, Jon had nothing to fix for dinner that night. When you’re single, or just a couple this is workable, add a child and it is not.
The personal shopping, was either brilliant, or not even close. That, too, was partially my lack of clear direction to them. I found that many hands did not make light work, in fact, these staff members, who were also friends, kept needing me to manage them, and I did not have the time, skill, or patience for it. So, now we’re down to a smaller staff, and it’s oddly working more smoothly in some ways, in other ways it’s not.
I took over most of the grocery shopping in the last few weeks. If I’m planning the menu it helps for me to look and touch and even smell the food. Planning a meal is almost like the food talks to you in the store, tells you what will work. If I can’t see the food, well, I’ve had more than one phonecall with staff about what they are looking at in the store, and is this what I want? Sometimes that works; sometimes you need to squeeze the tomatoe yourself.
Having taken most of the grocery shopping over again put me back on regaining control of my eating and my weight. This was before Jon and I joined Jenny Craig. By the by, since we’ve joined Jenny I am down that last two pounds to my first goal weight. I’m five pounds out from the last big weight loss I managed to achieve and keep, and I’m hopeful that with help I’ll be able to surpass that. Jon, too. As a boy, he looses weight faster than I do. My point; just by taking back the groceries I began to get both of us healthier.
I’ve never had a nanny. When Trinity was very little I didn’t have the money for one. When I got money, and she was still little enough to make it helpful, I chose not to. My kid, so I want my imput and my husband’s to be the major input, not some, I’m sure, very nice nanny. Not a judgement call, just my choice. Interestingly, as she gets older and I need less help, I have more. Jon’s Mom and stepdad love doing the Grandma and Grandpa routine. If I’d had this much family support when Trinity was a toddler she’d probably have a sibling.
When you get to a certain level of success, to maintain it, you begin to give pieces of your life away. I’ve taken a lot of those pieces back in the last year, because it didn’t seem to be working. But, yesterday made me remember what sent me looking for more help in the first place.
I shopped for groceries. I did breakfast, lunch, and dinner, for all of us. I went to the video store and got us a movie for the whole family, NIM’S ISLAND. We all loved it by the way. Jon is still on the injured list, and will be until after his knee operation, then six weeks of crutches. So, in effect I’ve lost my chief. Thank God, we’re doing the Jenny Craig food. Most of the cooking is microwave, and the menu is planned out with very little deviation. One less decision for me; yea!
I did errands, because we do not have weekend staff. Weekends are family time, which means they’re families, not mine. Trinity went with me for the errands, so we did get some mother/daughter bonding time. That was great.
But at the end of the day here’s what I didn’t get done. I did not get to exercise. I did not get a shower. I did not get a single page done on the new book. I did not get a blog done. I did some work on the comic, but that’s because if I don’t do my job then other people can’t do theirs. I try, very hard, not to be a bottle neck in any of my jobs. Jon felt well enough to give a few opinions, then the pain killers started wearing off. Is it just me or do red-head’s look really fragile when they’re in pain?
Now, some of you may say, take the weekend off. It’s Saturday, don’t sweat it. Normally, not a bad idea, except . . . Friday I had my Oh-Ma-God moment. What does that mean?
It means that SWALLOWING DARKNESS is now completely off my desk, so I can turn all my attention to the next Anita book (hopefully we’ll have a title next week). I’m over four hundred pages in, and I was feeling pretty good about it. Until I looked at my deadline. December. That’s cool, I just needed to add up a page count, see where I was in the plot, and how much more to go. I may not always know the plot point by point, but I have a feel for the size and rythmn of a book by the time I’m this far into it. So, I sit down look at where I am, and realize, oh, I have about six hundred more pages to go. Yeah, you read that right, I fear, I really do, that this is going to be a thousand page book. I love Edward, and I hate him, because every time I add him to a book in a major way, it gets longer. I did the page count math and found that I need six pages a day, every day, from now until the end of December to even make a rough draft. That’s not revisions. That’s just sending the book raw and bleeding from the computer, straight to my editor. I began to panic.
This morning, as I type this, I am again realizing that to keep up the output that is needed for what I do; books, comics, and other projects, I am going to have to find ways to delegate more of my life to others. Or, have a nervous breakdown. That is always an option.
So, I rose at dawn on the idea that I would do pages, exercise, and eventually get that bubble bath I’ve been dreaming of, and instead of getting a jump on the day, my day jumped me. I eventually subdued the plumbing, but it meant that my early start wasn’t so early, and definitely not so relaxing. It meant that instead of getting a few pages, or a trip on the treadmill before the kiddo rose for the day, I was still taking care of the dogs when she came downstairs with her favorite Bionicle book in her hand. Oh, wait, breakfast.
This is definitely one of those mornings when I fantasize, not about a bevy of handsome men, but about a little silver bell that I could ring and servants would appear out of the woodwork to help make my life run more smoothly, and allow me to actually go to my office and do my job. Okay, a bevy of handsome men that could cook, clean, and help organize my life, that would be good. But girl, or guy, I’m not sexist; I just need help. Admitting you need help is the first step to getting it, or so they say. I will leave you with this thought, “AAAAHHHHHH!” Now, to finish breakfast, then take the dogs out one more time, then I’m hitting the treadmill before I hit the office. It will save fictional lives if I exercise first.

Jon and I got to Dantes in time to join the already forming line, but close to the front. One of the reasons we’d planned to get there early was to make certain we’d get seats, which are limited at the club. One of the hardest things Jon can do to his knee is to stand for any length of time. So, we waited in the unseasonal cool September air with other fans, for the doors to open. Chatted with people in line, and got spotted by a couple of people. It was cool, and so were they. Charles’s friend Jim found us in line and joined us. Some of you remember Jim, he helped with security at the last St. Louis event. The one for Blood Noir. It was a long line of people in black. I think there was one gentleman in a red shirt, but the rest of us looked like we’d used the same closet, or at least the same house. Cool.

Doors open and in we went. The club is dim inside, but not really dark. High, arched rafters rise to a nice height overhead. We found a comfy couch and the three of us settled down on it. One of the things, I’m still not used to is being recognized. When I’m at a con, or an event where I’m supposed to be Laurell K. Hamilton writer, well, then I expect it, but when I’m just out socializing it still catches me off-guard. Thanks to everyone for asking before you took a picture. Thanks to everyone for low-keying it. I really appreciate it. When I expressed surprise at how many people kept recognizing me, Jim asked, "What did you think would happen?" My reply, "I hadn’t thought about it. I just came out to see the band." I really hadn’t thought about it. Jim’s points were well made. It was a Goth/industrial night at the club, and the Cr?xshadows were playing, as well as the lead up bands, and all had a simular theme. It was the kind of night people expected to see me at the club. Apparently, I was even dressed to meet expectations. Hmm. So, why hadn’t I thought I’d be recognized, Jim wanted to know. I had no good answer for him that night, but I’ve thought it about since, and I simply forget. I don’t think of myself as that famous. I was there to see the Cr?xshadows, and for that night, they were famous. For me, it was about the bands, and not about me. That people that had shown up to see the bands, were also excited to see me, did surprise me. Jim thought I was being naive. Maybe.

Charles showed up at last, all tarted up, as he put it on the phone earlier. It was partly his fault for the leather dress, because once I found out he was dressing up, I felt compelled, too. Poor Jon with his knee so rocky, did a nice pair of pants, and a Cr?xshadows t-shirt, with boots. He’s not mobile enough for club wear, right now. *pout* Once Charles got there, the introductions began in earnest, as we seemed to meet most of Jim and Charles’s group of friends. It was like old home week. Jon and I’d heard stories about most of the people, and now could put faces to the stories. Especially enjoyed meeting Showna. (forgive the spelling if it’s wrong, but doing it phonetically until otherwise told).

We got to dance, listen to music, visit with folks. It was good. (Could do with less people smoking, but it’s just something you deal with at the clubs. The high ceilings help a lot.) Jon couldn’t dance, much at all. *pout again* But, we’re hoping to get a date for his surgery, and eventually he’ll be less broken. You guys maybe seeing him at some events this fall on crutches. We’ll see how the timing goes. I had to actually contemplate going out on tour without my sweetie, and just can’t imagine. It would be like leaving the other half of my brain at home. But back to the fun. The early bands I:Scintilla and Ayria, were interesting. I’m going to be trying to chase down a CD from Ayria. Hard to get a good feel for a new band’s sound in most clubs. Enough to know I want to hear them again. Then it was time for the Cr?xshadows. They have the second most popular dance tune on the billboard charts right now, and deservedly so. In person, it’s quite a show. Their lead singer, Rouge, is amazing to look at, and has a dexterity score I can only dream of. Showna and I agreed that we would have broken our necks climbing on the furniture like he did. He was graceful, like a Goth gazelle. It helped that he was considerably taller than either Showna, or me. Long legs help with that gazelle stuff.

We left the club about 2:30, or so. Charles, Jim, and Showna, went with us. Her to her car, and I think the guys for a last little visit with all of us. Maybe doing that gentlemanly thing and making sure we all get safely where we’re going. Charles was actually not working Monday night, as he gleefully pointed out at one point. He was able to dance, and be silly, and just be himself without having to keep a weather eye out. No matter how fun it looks to work with us, it’s still work, and we have a tendency to take him to places where he really wants to play. Monday night we all got to play.

DANCE ST. LOUIS ? DRACULA, WOLF HOWL, SWALLOWING DARKNESS, FALL NEWSLETTER, ARCHON REMINDER, THE LAUGHING CORPSE COMIC
As I promised more info on upcoming events!
DRACULA
————————————————————————————-
Okay, I got more info on the ballet! We are very excited to be doing this. This should be so much fun!
Sunday October 26th, 1:15 PM for the pre-talk by Laurell. Ballet begins at 2:00 PM. Meet and greet afterwards from 4 to 5 p.m.
How much are the tickets for the ballet?
$25-$55 general public, $33-$53 students/seniors, $32-$51 groups of 20 or more.
How much are the tickets for the meet and greet?
$5 per person in addition to purchase of a performance ticket.
We?re very much in the process of figuring this out, and a lot of it is what Laurell wants to do. As to refreshments, we?re planning on complimentary water, lemonade, and simple snacks like chips, and also an open cash bar. More details as we have them!
How can fans order tickets for each event?
Online via dancestlouis.org or by calling the Dance St. Louis box office at 314.534.6622. St. Louis-area fans can also visit our box office in person from 9:30 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. Monday-Friday, located at the Centene Center for Arts and Education in the Grand Center neighborhood, 3547 Olive Street.
WOLF HOWL
————————————————————————————-
Okay we are set for a Howl!
Thursday October 30th will be the date. The Howl will start at 7PM as usual. Laurell will be reading form Swallowing Darkness.
Tickets are $20 per person. You can buy them starting October 1st at 9AM CST.
Call Phone: (636)-938-5900 and ask for Pam.
SWALLOWING DARKNESS
————————————————————————————-
This is Merry #7! I have heard the rumors that it has been moved again. Not true! It will be out November 4, 2008.
No details yet on the tour. As soon as we have them we will share!
Yes, we will be doing another Excuse Note for this one. Just working out what it will say. You know we have to give it an election twist.
FALL NEWSLETTER
————————————————————————————-
Just putting the finishing touches on the newsletter, hope to have it off to the printers next week. It has been a hard run since DragonCon, which was way fun. But in addition to losing Phouka, I had to put my own dog, Nikki down yesterday after a long illness. So I have again fallen behind again. . Sorry.
ARCHON REMINDER
————————————————————————————-
Archon is rushing up on us! Laurell is Guest of Honor.
Guest Of Honor – Archon 2008
October 3 – 5, 2008
http://www.archonstl.org/32/
THE LAUGHING CORPSE COMIC
————————————————————————————-
The Laughing Corpse comic issue #1 will debut October 1st! Don?t forget to pre-order it from your favorite comic retailer!

Jon and I went out to Dante’s to see Cr?xshadows Monday night. We’d missed them at Dragon*Con, but here was our second chance, and we took it. First challenge was what to wear. I’m just girl enough to worry about that. Though, one of the things I like about Goth men is that worry about clothes, too. And make-up . . . You can ask a Goth male, who is not husband or boyfriend, is your eyeliner straight and they’ll give you an informed opinion. Though never ask a Goth if you should wear colored eyeliner; black is the only color. I went through my closet and decided I’d wear a new outfit. It had been so long since we’d gone to a club that I had several to choose from. I tried on this great leather two piece. There was good news and bad.

Good news, I’d lost enough weight that my back looked great in the backless halter top. Bad news, I’d lost enough weight that the breast area no longer fit. The top was too big. One of the reasons I determined to loose weight was I’d gone up to a F cup, yeah, you read that right. Tops ceased to fit, at all. Double D is fine, thank you. Though Jon’s a little boo-boo faced. He’s adjusting. But here I had this great outfit and I’d put it away in the closet, waiting to be able to wear it later. Now, if later comes, I’ll have to find someone to take the top in, and finding someone who works in leather in St. Louis is not easy.

I’ve been reluctant to talk about the weight loss, because of the obsession we have with weight in this country. People have noticed that I’ve lost weight, have asked about it. So, here goes. I got to the point where I was ten pounds heavier than I had been at nine months pregnant with my daughter. Wow. So, Jon and I started an exercise program, and a nutrition plan. We got a personal trainer and we made the Cooking Light magazine and website our meal planner. We also visited Calorie King on the web, because it would tell you the calories in the things you were eating, especially fast food. Oh, My God. Jon and I had no idea what we’d been eating. Armed with these two web sights and a husband that cooks, we began to task of getting back in shape. We both lost forty pounds, and I kept off thirty. It’s been three years now. Jon, unfortunately, has gained back his weight. Part of that is due to the fact that his knee is not good. Every time we get him back on an exercise routine the knee craps out, and he can’t do it. Or the pain is great enough that it just isn’t worth it to him. His MRI came back with not great news. We go Thursday with the options visit to a new doctor. A doctor that does surgery. But the pain and lack of full motion has just gotten to a point where we’ve got to do something. But one of the problems is that he is carrying too much weight for his body frame on his joints. So, I decided we had to get it off, one way or the other.

Now, I am against dieting, but not against a nutrition plan. What’s the difference between a diet and a nutrition plan? Diets you stay on, until you loose the weight, then you go off of it, and you gain back all the weight you lost, plus five to ten more pounds. A nutrition plan is a permanent change in how you view and interact with food. You can change your eating habits and become healthier, and loose weight that way, but you have to keep the change going. You also need to increase your exercise at the same time. First, you loose weight faster, and second, you get stronger, healthier. Especially as thirty gets in your rearview mirror, the work you put into your body now will determine, in a large part, how well you age. Think of it as putting money into a bank account for retirement. The more you put into your account, the more you can take out later. Exercise is the same way.

We stopped doing the personal trainer, and we began to fall away from the exercise routine. One of the few areas that Jon and I are not helpful to each other in, is this one. The one exception to that rule is pedometers. We wear those daily, and when able-bodied aim for so many steps a day. If you work in an office, I recommend putting one on and forgetting about it. Just see how many steps you take in a normal day. Then slowly try to up that count. (this predicates on there being no medical reason why you can’t do it; your doctor is your friend before starting any new activity so check with her) But we walk every day. It’s not new to our bodies. Start at what’s normal then slowly add. I’ve had days where I hit 12,000 steps, that does count a 45 minute trip on the treadmill. My ankle is still not a hundred percent, so it likes only going to about 10,000 steps. More and it hurts the next day. Oh, and on the treadmill, watch a television show you only get to watch while exercising. I hate the treadmill. I find it boring, but the television keeps my mind occupied while my body works, so I do it. Right now I’m doing NCIS first season on DVD. Without commercials it’s almost exactly 45 minutes. Start out with less time at first, I’ve worked up to my ankle and body being okay with this much work out.

But, Jon can’t do the treadmill, and most weights are hard right now. We’ve given up cooking at home almost, so busy. What to do with his weight issues? I asked around, and we joined Jenny Craig. They don’t make you give up fats, or carbs, or anything. They actually tell you, your body needs all of it. It’s true. The food is convient, mostly microwave, and it tastes good. No, honest. Jon was waiting for it to taste bad so he could stop doing it, but, much to his disappointment, it tastes great. They also have a purse size eating out guide, so this weekend when we went to a movie and couldn’t go home to use their food, we knew to go to Arby’s and get a ham and Swiss melt with bottled water. (We could have had a diet soda, but we don’t do the artificial sweeteners) The plan is designed to help you ease off of their pre-packaged food gradually and do more of your own cooking. Even now, they have us add salad and veggies of our own from the store. Jon’s down three pounds, and I’m down two. It hasn’t been a week yet. And, some meals, our complaint is that it’s too much food. Can’t possibly eat all that. But if you don’t, then you’re hungry before the next meal. I got permission to cut some of the meals in half, like the blueberry muffin, and use the second half as my mid-morning snack. That is one filling muffin.

Jon is doing the nutrition plan, and no exercise. His pain level is too great to force it, but I think I’m going to go back to exercising alone. Jon hates weights, and though repetitive I find them soothing. He grows impatient at the stretching exercises, but again, I like them. Maybe it’s time to divide and conqueror on this area, like we do on so many other things.

Oh, and dressing for the club: I wore this great leather dress that we bought in Toronto at North Bound Leather. I’d not worn the dress before, but when I put it on, it was not as snug through the chest as it had been when first purchased. I’d been saving it for Archon where I’ll be guest of honor in about two weeks, but I thought, what if, I loose enough weight that it doesn’t fit, like the first outfit? I would be sad to never get to wear this dress out. So, I did. Charles called it a leather mini dress, but the mini was not as mini, because the skirt is full like a 1950’s dress. So, the three of us went to see the concert. I don’t mean Charles, he came later and met us there. I mean Jon, my breasts, and me. But just in case all this nutrition plan makes me go from a double D to a single, I thought I better wear the low cut dress while it still fits. It did indeed fit.

I’ll blog tomorrow about the concert and the club.

So what is shorter than a bit? A bite? A nibble? Either way here is a quick note on things happening. I was going to wait until we had the Dance St. Louis Dracula info and info on the next Wolf Howl, but I will make that a separate bite in a couple of days.
This Week In Geek has their interview up from DragonCon!
http://www.thisweekingeek.net/node/159
In celebration of the next Merry book, we will be offering the Frost t-shirt until tomorrow morning for $15.00
https://www.laurellkhamilton.com/Merchandise/FullMoonSale1.html
Darla

Labels: hamilton, interview, laurell, sale

Rain. Rain pouring in sheets. Whipped into white froth across the roofs. The wind came first, thudding and knocking, like an impatient guest at the door, then the rain as if some giant hand had emptied the mother of all buckets above the house. I know that this is just a small taste of what some in our country are dealing with right now. My sympathies, every one stay safe.

We had plans to go to a movie with friends, but not sure the power is on at the movie theatre. We’re on a generator since we had the winter of a nearly a week without power, followed by a summer bout of about the same duration. It seemed like every strong wind and we lost power, so we powered up. It was a good investment, and on days like today, it earns it’s keep.

I kept waiting for the storm to slack long enough for the dogs to go out, but finally put the rain coat on, and out we went. It wasn’t so bad. I’ve been wetter. I actually wrote the story of how I was the wettest from rain that I’ve ever been, but I deleted it. Why? It’s too bitter, too dark. The rain has finally stopped here. The sun is out, and it’s turning out to be a beautiful day. I’m going to go out with my husband, and have some fun. I’ve brooded enough this morning. Let it go. Sometimes I think that’s what I need tattooed somewhere that I can see it at a glance. I’ve got it sticky noted above the desk, but some day’s I think something more meaningful might work better. What’s more meaningful than carving it into your skin? Okay, if not meaningful, then at least committed. Committed to the idea of letting it go. Letting what go? If I wanted you to know the answer to that I wouldn’t have deleted the rest of this post. Let’s leave it at that for today.

Saturday morning and I’m the only one up. No other cars waiting to drop friends and staff off at the door. I’ll work today, some, but it’s not a work day. I really enjoyed meeting everyone at Dragon Con, but as I sit here and let the silence soak into my skin, my mind, it’s good. I am just recently learning how to enjoy crowds and people and social stuff on a more public scale, but I have always needed time alone. I think most writers do. My imagination, my muse, needs this quiet time. I need to sit here with the only sound the soft clap of the keys under my fingers, and the insects singing outside my window. This really is a NEED, not just a want. There are days when there are so many phone calls, e-mails, demands on my time, decisions to be made, that it’s like being at some sort of corporate office, except with a better view and more windows. Okay, it’s not that bad. I’ve worked in corporate America and as a friend recently commented, it is soul-sucking. Some of it’s good, but for us creative types it can be pretty soul-sucky. Sitting here, like this, feeds back some of what the businessiness licks away.

This morning as I was getting dressed, I was trying to quietly go through the jewelry chest (it clinks) and get a totem necklace. I work with a lot of totem, read animal, energy in my religious path. Think of them as furry Guardian Angels, or guides. So, I was looking through the animal necklaces, and my thought was, "What will help me play? What plays?" The answer came suddenly clear and crystal in my head, "Everything plays." I had to stop, and let that thought roll around in my mind. Everything plays. Every animal, bird, mammal, whatever, that I was looking at wearing today, plays. (Okay, you can make a case for the reptiles and amphibians not playing. I’ve owned snakes and I couldn’t swear that they ever played.) I was wanting to choose the totem that would help me play today, have fun today, and the answer was, that all of them played, but me.

The total and absolute seriousness with which I approach life has gotten me where I am. I turned down trips to the beach at age 17, because I owed myself pages on a story. I was already sending stories out and collecting my first rejection slips. That kind of Puritanical work ethic has gotten me where I am in my career. I don’t regret it. But lately, I find myself glancing out the window at some beautiful summer day, and wondering how to work in more trips to the beach. I know I’ve been complaining on the blog that I can’t figure out what feeds my muse anymore. She and I, just feel drained so quickly. I went away on a family vacation to the Florida Keys, and came back refreshed and eager to work. But it didn’t last, the refreshed got used up. Then, strangely, Dragon Con came along, and what I had been dreading as just work, turned into socializing and fun. Okay, it was work, and I really, really have to hit the weights more for my arm to hold up for all the signings, but D*C was fun. My muse was a very happy, well-fed little muse, when we got back, even though we were physically tired. But again, all that bright and shiny got used up.

I’ve been learning to socialize more in e-mail and that is helping, but it’s still technology, and I’m still a wee phobic of it all. There’s a reason I still call it evil-mail, at times. I guess, for me, I need face to face socializing. I know some people really thrive on on-line friendships, and it’s good when you can’t see each other, or are across country from, and it’s absolutely essential for business, but for feeding that part of me that is muse-driven, technology isn’t enough. This weekend is Pirate Festival at our local Ren Faire place. Jon and I would have gone, and that would have been fun, and social, but Jon’s knee is still pretty hurt. He had an MRI this week, and we’re waiting to hear back. There is no way his leg can take walking around the Ren Faire. I’d actually planned a romantic trip this month for my sweetie and me, but again, it was a destination that took a lot of standing and walking. He’s just not up to it. So, friends are going to play pirate without us. *pout*

I tried to tell myself that most people in America only get one vacation a year, so why isn’t one enough for me, but I finally realized that most other human beings allow themselves more play time on a day to day, week to week, basis. For me, if I’m home, I’m in work mode. It is what allows me the amazing creative output of pages, but it also uses up the vacation energy very quickly. So, what to do? Answer, find a way to feed my muse and me on a more regular basis, and stop beating myself up that I need it. I finally realized that I really do NEED the social time. I read an article once years ago, I no longer remember who wrote it, but they were a selling writer. They said, that whatever feeds your creativity to honor it. Not to think it’s silly, or excentric, but to simply find out what it is and do it. But having said that . . .

There’s a concert coming up, very soon. Jon and I had planned to go, but now that it is upon us, I’m feeling nervous about it. Why? One, it’s a crowd, and I’m iffy on those. Two, if we go it will be only my fourth concert ever. No, really. Growing up, there simply wasn’t money for things like that. Also, my grandmother did not encourage me to listen to music much. I always feel a little out of place at a concert, at first. Then I warm up, and I have a wonderful time, but there is always that initial, why am I here moment? I realized that I’m trying to talk myself out of the concert. I mean it’s a school night, and we have to get a babysitter. Okay, Jon’s mom has already said, yes. But still, how grown-up is it to go on a school night? I mean we have to get up early the next morning and hit the ground running, and . . . I am trying to talk myself out of going. Why?

Not sure. Nerves about the crowd. Okay. But mostly, I think I’m just not comfortable playing. I’m working on it; getting better at it; but . . . We’ll see how Jon’s knee does about the concert. It won’t work unless he can sit down. I want to go to the concert, but I’m afraid to go. Once upon a time, I was painfully shy. I know, I know, anyone who has seen me in a public event will doubt that, but trust me, I damn near passed out if I had to speak in public, and was terrified of talking to almost anyone. But at the age of fourteen to fifeteen, I realized I could spend the rest of my life frightened and not speaking up for myself, or I could choose to change. I joined speech team and Drama club. I figured I’d either get over the shyness, or I’d die from embarrassment, either way, it would cure it. I didn’t die of embarrassment, and I began to get more comfortable with public speaking, and simply being around people. But there are moments, when that frightened little girl is still very much alive inside me, and she looks with wide eyes at it all. When the stress gets high, I want to hide again. But if I can force myself not to hide, it’s better. Above almost all else, I hate being afraid, no, I hate being a coward. So, I push myself. I force myself to take that step, make that decision, even if it’s scary, as long as the risk is worth it. I’ve done that all my life. What I hadn’t realized was that in doing all that, I’d forgotten how to enjoy it. So busy, being serious about personal growth and success, that I’d forgotten that sometimes you need to play. I can’t go out and be a pirate today, but maybe, if Jon’s knee can take it, there will be a concert in the near future.

I’m going to sit here and enjoy a second cup of tea in the silence; listen to the birds calling just outside my window. It’s a cardinal making that cheep, cheep nose that is half nerves and half where are you? But I promise myself to figure out how to play more, and do things that both feed my soul and my muse.